Finishing Yet Another Thought

Last week's post may have either hit home or it may have sounded like whining.  I hope it was the former. Let me just re-visit it for a moment.  

I have discovered that wanting to belong and making sure nobody feels left out, unbelonged or not enough has colored everything I've done.And that's been not a bad thing at all. It's why I spent 50 years behind the chair in a salon helping mostly women (but some guys) feel better about themselves.  It's why I do what I do today, helping others be healthy, have community and feel and look they're best. I'm so fortunate to have this opportunity to serve others in all of these ways. I wasn't looking for it and frankly, thought it was a dumb idea.  But here I am loving it and finding a purpose bigger than I ever imagined.

Family Arrival

Today, Wednesday, our daughter and her 2 kiddos arrive from Europe for a month.  Baba will stay home and protect the home fires, but we get them for a whole month you guys!  They were supposed to be here last night, but as travel goes these days they are not here yet.  There was first 3 hours of lines for customs and pre check, then 2 hours on the tarmac before taking off.  A 13 hour flight to SFO, anticipating about a 4 hour layover (an improvement over the 20 minutes AerLingus originally scheduled) that turned into 16 hours, sleeping in the airport and spending countless hours on the phone to 3 different airlines, clocking 12k steps between different gates...they are rebooked for a flight this morning and should be here in a couple of hours. It's unbelievable and I sure wouldn't want to be an airline employee that handles missed flights, cancelled flights and changed itineraries.

There should be plenty of adventures once they recover from their ordeal, starting with a Princess Party on Friday at the farm. Girls only, so the little gent and Mama and I will find something fun to do.  Multnomah Falls, the beach, camping, Crater Lake, Crescent Lake and Wildlife Safari are all on the agenda for the next 4 weeks. And plenty of hugs, as much as they'll allow anyway.   I'll let you know how that all goes.

Tired, but happy!

Cutting it shorter this week in preparation for the beginning of a fun first week - and figuring out what to feed this Hair Band.  

Remember that, in my book, you are amazing and you are the world to someone who loves you.  Pay attention to the small moments this week and be absolutely present for each one - this is the only 2022 summer we have.  

DeeDee

Belonging and Unbelonging

Determined to fit in and be enough right from the beginning…

When I was 8 years old I was hit right in the heart with a story that for the next 63 years I believed was true.  It colored everything I did, everything I thought and was the story I repeated to myself over and over again. It was my truth.  I say was my truth because through some work I've done I've recognized the story for what it is, and more importantly, what it's not.  I'll share it with you now.

It was evening, around dinner time in the big, old house we'd come back to live in with my Grandma, Grandpa and 2 uncles that were not that much older than me, so they were like brothers to me.  By we I mean my mother, my brother and me.  And by coming back to live I mean that we'd been there before to live as a family of 4.  This time, my dad was out of the picture. My mom was divorcing him because he cheated on her.  In 1958 it was it's own scandal to have that reality, but that's not my story.  Mine is simpler, even though it's really complex.  Simple, because it could have been so different for me by just a glance my way, a smile or the queen of recognition, a hug.  Complex because it became a life long story for me.

So, here we all were in the big dining room, not sitting at the table, but up either clearing or setting the table, I don't remember which and that's not salient to my story.  I was on one side of the room, my mother on the other.  The others were bustling around us.  I looked at my mother across the room. She was standing alone on one side of the table, her gaze was directed down and off to the side, and I was so alone on the other side. I needed her to see me, alone and unsure of my place in this new reality.  I needed her to hear me screaming in my head.  I needed her to reach out and draw me into a comforting hug.  I tried to will her to notice me, to look my way. All I needed was a hug, a look, to be seen.  

And it didn't happen.  In that instant I knew I wasn't enough.  I was invisible.  That was my truth.  I was a square peg in a round hole.  I didn't belong.  

I've come to learn that most of us have some kind of inflection moment from which everything sprouts.  Some, I suppose have a positive sprouting, but most inflection points are painful.  They cause us to shape our reality and personality from that moment on, whether we're aware of it or not.  Most of us are not aware. In my case, it became my life goal to be noticed, to be part of what was happening, to fit in. I lost myself along the way and it's only because of some strong inner compass or keel that I stayed, for the most part, safe and turned out as brilliant as I did.  It was through work I did this year with a program called Mission Curve (if you're a believer ask me for contact information.  If you're not a believer, well we have another convo to have maybe) that I became aware of that point for me. 

Brene Brown says that the difference between belonging and fitting in is great.  Most of us mistake fitting in for belonging.  "...fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging because fitting in says, 'Be like them to be accepted.'  Belonging says, 'This is who I am.'" Boom.  Belonging is who I am.  Fitting in is what I had been trying to do for my entire life. I'm not enough as I am, so I'll become who I think you want so you'll accept me.  What a huge recipe for psychic disaster, you guys.  

You, reader, have likely felt like an unbelonged, a square peg in a round hole at some point in your life.  Maybe, like me, for most of it felt like not enough.  Not tall enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough...just not enough.  It's not a new concept by any means, so it's likely that you've dealt with it. 

I want you to know that by virtue of the fact that you are drawing breath, that you woke up this morning that you are enough. You belong here.  What may be missing for you is a piece of your puzzle that on one hand is simple, on the other is literally life changing. It's this: your task is to find out what your mission is, what you're intended to do here.  That's where my work with Mission Curve helped me and I recommend it to you.  Who are you created to be?  Not that broken-hearted child, surely!  

Finishing a Thought

 I realize now that I didn't really address the concept of permanent change that I used in the title of last week's entry.  Let's talk about that a little, because I think it's elusive to many of us. 

James Clear, author of Atomic Habits (great book, btw) blows the 21 day, 30 day and other time frames to bits.  He relies on scientific research, or study to determine that it takes 66 days to form a new habit.  This conclusion is based on a 12-week study involving 96 participants.  Each person chose a new habit to form, so their outcome would be based on personal desire and preference.  Some chose simple habits, like drinking a bottle of water with lunch instead of a soda.  Others chose a more difficult task, like running 15 minutes before dinner (horrors).  The data was analyzed at the end of 12 weeks by a group of researchers at University College London headed by Phillippa Lally, a health psychology researcher, and it was discovered that 66 days is the magic number. (jamesclear.com)

If I haven't lost you in the science-y stuff, here's the upshot:  set your expectations on 66 days when trying to form a new habit, not 21 or 30.  Choose a habit or behavior that is realistic.  We all know that if you're spending 3 or 4 hours a day Netflixing, or sitting behind a desk at your job, going from 0 to running a mile everyday is likely not within the realm until you work up to it.  There is no habit too small.  If it's more water every day - good on you!!  By the way, aim for 1/2 your body weight in ounces per day.  It's life-changing, and you'll feel the affects.  And the constant peeing will slow down after a few days.  So worth it.  

What I'm saying is aim for being better, not perfect.  Where do you want to be in 66 days?  How do you want to feel?  That's not that far away, and you could make a major life change in that time.

If you're running up against it and feeling like you're not actually being better, it's likely an inside job (as they all are, friends).  Ask yourself this question:  "What would I need to believe about this for this to work?"  Change the narrative in your head from "This is hard", "This won't work, nothing ever does", "I can't do this" to "I'm made for more", "Of course I can do this!", "I've figured out hard stuff before, I am figuring this out, too." Or whatever affirmation feeds your heart.  Spend time with you and figure out what it is you need to hear yourself saying. The ones I offer in bold are pretty universal and work well for most if you're stuck, and they are ones that I use on the daily.

Know that I'm cheering for you and in my book you're a champion!  I'm also over here needing a cheerleader for myself, so if you're interested, let's cheer each other on.

Summer Plans

Have any of you attempted to book a flight lately?  Holy moly.  I'm just curious about your experience, if you've done any booking in the last 2 months or so.  The last I flew was in October to Dublin.  It seems to me that trip went off without a hitch, but before that I flew to Florida for a girls long weekend in Palm Beach with my "work" pals and that flight - or I should say - those flights were a cluster and a half.  One leg of the return was cancelled 2x and I ended up with 2 stops (one in Chicago that I was dreading, but turned out ok) before I walked off the plane at PDX.  My kiddos have had worse luck.  One having a flight cancelled the day of (for 6 of them!) and the other still in limbo after several cancellations for a flight from Dublin.  And if you don't know about the airport situation in Dublin, and why would you, really?, take a look online.  Jaysus, Mary and Joseph.  

Some people long for sunny beaches with white sand and turquoise water.  Me?  This is what moves me:  The green, lush, soft, mossy land of Ireland.  I suppose Scotland and Wales are much the same, and someday I will find out first hand. 

When you can be on a narrow country road, look out to your left and there are rolling, green hills dotted with low, soft trees and in front of you are sheep in the road and to your right is a castle, an honest to goodness castle, you guys that's heaven to me. 

 I can look into the sweet faces of the people I meet in Dublin, or in a sweet little town and know that we share history, that these are the people and this is the land that I come from  and it's more than a vacation.  It's going home.  Does that sound impossibly corny?  I don't care.  The first time I stepped off the airport transport and put my foot on the cobblestones of Dame Street near the entrance to College Green and Trinity College in Dublin some 10 or 12 years ago, I was home, I was 100% Irish rather than the nearly 80% suggested by my DNA.  This was my place, these were my short, round face smiling people.  I belonged there, and that feeling of belonging has been a life long pursuit.  I'm going to talk more about belonging next week, so stay tuned. 

The Irish are the one race for which psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever, because they already live in a dream world. 

-Sigmund Freud. 

It's Monday and the start of my clean eating and general clean up of my act that I mentioned last week.  It's 10:30 am on day 1 and so far so good.  Keep me focused on changing my habit of snacking at night, will you?  The Old Oak usually goes to bed before me and there I am...ready to snack.  And no one to see me slice the cheese and melt it on a tortilla.  It's a habit I slipped gladly into for whatever reason.  It doesn't matter why, it just needs to stop.  Do you have stuff like that in your life?  Sabotaging behavior that you know is not aligned with what you want, yet you do it anyway?  Even when it upsets your stomach?  Ugh.

So...I will aim for August 1, the 66th day.  I'll focus on today, and let tomorrow come and focus on that when it's time.  I'll let you know how it's all going.

Have a lovely weekend! I wish for you happiness and lots of everything that puts a smile on your face.  And health.  I wish you health. 

Until next week!  

Thoughts on Week 2, Diets and Permanent Change

 Here's how my week started on Sunday:

Look closely.  Or perhaps you don't need to look as closely as I did to figure out why it felt like there was tissue in my shoes.  

Have you ever gotten dressed in a hurry, in the semi-darkness of your walk in closet (the one that makes you feel a little bougie because you can actually walk in and turn on the light.  Yeah, that one), only to look down later and see that you have 2 different shoes or socks on?  Or, as happened to me on Sunday, your shoes on the wrong feet like your 3 year old grandson?

It happens.  Who's gotten to church or work and realized you still have your slippers on?  I feel like this "could" happen on Sunday, given the more relaxed nature of the weekend.  Not saying it has exactly.  But it could, that's all I'm saying.

I'm about to embark on a 2 week nutrition clean up.  My skin has been looking dull and spotty, my gut is a little off, and I know I've been unmindful about what I'm eating.  I just heard my grandma's voice in my head: "You are what you eat!"  Turns out, that's more true than she knew.  Our cells are made of what we put in our pieholes, and our cells make our organs and all that other stuff, like blood and guts, so...it stands to reason we are what we eat.  I know this like I know my name, but I still let it go occasionally with too much drink and the wrong foods for me.  

I gave up the diet culture - read depravation - years ago.  Honestly you guys, I did them all...counted points, calories, carbs, fats, used prepackaged no thinking about it meals, fasting...all of it. It got me nowhere. And, more importantly, taught me nothing about what I need to fuel my body with. When I finally slowed down, ate whole food to balance my blood sugars, passed on artificial food and dinner in a package my whole life changed.  All of a sudden my cravings were gone (sugar is my crack), my mood was so much better, I was thinking more clearly, my blood work was stupendous, I dropped weight like it was radioactive and everything was grand.  It took a year or so, and then a little more focus on learning how to balance indulgences, but it's the way to live, I'm telling you.  

I still hate to exercise, so there's that.  But I'm working on it.

Within the last year, my ever-patient friend, Cynthia has coaxed me outside and into the woods for beautiful walks. I really can't remember what month we started - or stopped - but I believe that it had to be in the spring or early summer of 2021 when we first stepped onto the leaf covered path at a local nature area.  It was beautiful.  It smelled heavenly, and I fell so in love with the fragrance, the sound and the vistas that I couldn't wait to get back into the woods day after day.  We saw and heard the most interesting birds, took pictures of native (and not native) wildflowers and I felt really good.  I bought walking sticks for balance and support and a skort for the hot days.  Then it rained, and all bets were off.  Not only did the rain start, but it was unusually windy and that combination drove us right to the local coffee shop to sip something warm and promise each other we'd get back at it.  I even bought a poncho for the rain, or rather my daughter bought it and sent it to me.  

In October I travelled to Ireland to see my daughter, her husband and my grandchildren.  It was unseasonably warm there last fall.  Normally, it's bone chilling cold with a wind, but October was lovely.  We walked in the most beautiful spots with moss covered trees and bridges, leaves heavy with dew and that heady woods fragrance.  I was anxious to get back at it once I got home to Oregon.  Until I got home to Oregon. Jet lag, more rain, and an incredibly destructive wind storm killed my motivation and Cynthia and I have been talking about meeting in the woods again ever since.  I'm not sure why I've mentioned all this, except now it's out there and I'll pretend that the tens of people reading this will hold me accountable.  

I did walk up to the corner 2 days in a row, so I'm training for the big forest walk.  I'll let you know how it goes.

One thing I do have a handle on is how to cook and plan meals that are healthy and that serve us well.  I generally, every morning, have a protein smoothie (it's like a chocolate milkshake for breakfast, so why wouldn't I?) full of vitamins and all the things and lots of vegan protein.  That holds me until lunch and I may have another smoothie or leftovers from the night before.  I love leftovers and can't imagine why some people don't.  For dinner I fix a simple (usually simple) protein, 1 or 2 vegetables like an interesting salad and then a roasted veg and sometimes I add a healthy starch like sweet potato or brown rice.  I've got that dialed in.  Where I fall apart lately has been after dinner snack attacks that have turned into 4th meal.  I'm not kidding.  I'm finding myself holding a cheese quesadilla or 1/2 a sandwich at 8:00 - and I'm not really hungry!  I know better, and I feel awful the next morning.  It has to stop, so on Monday I'm starting to tighten the schedule and I swear I'm going to be intentional about fueling.  

Anyone want to join me?  Nothing crazy, just taking care of business.  I'll be your cheerleader, and you can be mine.

Here's a great salad recipe that is a good side for fish or chicken and holds well for the next day's lunch:

Asian Summer Slaw

Dressing

1/4 c cashew or almond butter

2 T white miso paste

2 T lime juice

1 t sesame oil

1 t grated ginger

2-5 T water, as needed

Slaw

6-7 c shredded green and/or red cabbage

Mix of peppers - you can use spicy or sweet or a combo

2-3 scallions, chopped

1/2 c cilantro, including stems, chopped

1/2 c fresh basil, Thai basil and/or mint

2 Thai chiles or 1 serrano pepper, diced

sea salt

1/4 c toasted peanuts, peptitas and/or sesame seeds

1 ripe peach, thinly sliced

Make the dressing in a small bowl by adding everything but the water,  Whisk in enough water to create a drizzle consistency.  Set aside.

In a dry skillet, char the peppers, about 2 minutes per side. Cool to the touch, remove stem and ribbing and slice into thin strips.

In a large bowl, combine the cabbage, peppers, scallions, cilantro, basil, chiles and 3/4 of the dressing.  toss until combined.  Add the remaining dressing, if you want.  Sprinkle with sea salt. Top with nuts and sliced peaches.  Enjoy!

Notes:

I've made this with no miso, powdered ginger and no peach.  I've added grilled leftover grilled chicken.  It's pretty versatile, although fresh ginger is far better than powdered.  But I don't always have it, do you?

Not my photo (I wish).  Love and Lemons

June promises to be busy for the Oaks in the Glen.  There are 3 acorn weddings this month, with the first one this Saturday.  A sweet bride we've known since she was in grade school. Later in the month the wonderful son of friends is marrying the most awesome girl I can imagine for him and sometime in between a former co-worker is getting married.  That one will be a traditional Vietnamese wedding and reception with tons of food and singing.  I'll let you know how they all go.

Around the middle of the month our own acorn is coming home for a month with her 2 seedlings, our grandies.  I can't wait.  Even though I was just visiting them in October, before that it had been close to 3 years since I'd seen them (thanks pandemic).  The Grand Old Oak hasn't seen any of them since they had their first trip home after moving to Ireland, so it's been close to 5 years for him.  Grandies change a lot in 5 years, and so do Old Oaks. There are fun things planned, camping in a yurt being the highlight, climbing Multnomah Falls, and I'm sure a beach trip.  If you're from the PNW, did you know that you have to have a permit to go to Multnomah Falls now?  It's timed, costs $2 and doesn't guarantee a parking spot.  We'll see how that all goes.

 

One last word:  Check out Tom Morrison on YouTube.  He's fab with stretches and low impact exercise that'll make you feel like a CrossFit champ, and it's astounding how much doing them helps the aches and pains.  My daughter sent me my first video when I complained of a sudden and weird stiffness in my ankle that made going down the stairs a joke.  I looked like Chester from Gunsmoke.  I was amazed at how simple and effective the movements were.  Today I did a little routine that barely got me off the couch and my whole body was stretched.  Here's a good one for shoulder impingement:

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He's got a sweet Scottish accent, so there's that.  If the above link doesn't work, because it doesn't look like it will from my perspective, just search Tom Morrison on YouTube.  You'll be glad you did.  Unless you're already a body builder or something, but if you want to start from zero, he'll make you feel really good.

Until next week, my 1 or 2 readers!